I haven't updated my blog in quite some time. I had a nice blog written out 5 months ago and never posted it. Well for those of you reading, Thanks :).
Well after trying 8 months I finally got pregnant when I stopped trying. Mike and I were so happy. The first three months were fought with nausea and very small meals. Also allot of sleep. Goodness was I tired. After the 3 month mark everything went well. I had a hiccup but it was all good. I just wasn't allowed to strain or pick up anything heavier than 5 lbs. About the 20 week mark I had a gender and anatomy check and they thought the baby not only had a heart problem , but was a girl. I had to wait an agonising week and a half to see another person to ultrasound with a peeds heart doc looking over the shoulder. Well the news was great and there was nothing wrong with his heart. The ultrasound tech was a newbie and didn't see HIS gender correctly or his heart in the right way. The cardiologist said he was perfectly fine. I then had to call and contact everyone telling them hey it's a boy not a girl lol. After all that some weeks went by and Mike and I traveled to California for a visit and my baby shower. Summer planned it all and was so friggn awesome! I thank her so much for that. It was the highlight of our trip besides me seeing my gma. I miss her so much.
When we got to Cali we went strait to Summers Mom &Step Dads (Skip and Kari)cabin for Summers birthday. Our fist day went .. well not so good. We all went out and had fun walking around Big Bear when we got back to chill out things just went a bit bad. I was encouraged to go relax (which I'm not good at lol) so I went out on the patio with the rest of the guys n gals. Kai was playing with Katlyn and her dad Chris and their sweet dog Giggy, a Rhodesian ridgeback. I trust everyone in that house with Kai so relax I did. All of the sudden Kai was petting the dog on the head/neck just like she was told how and the dog snapped with no warning. No one knew why. She was a sweet dog and Kai wasn't afraid of her. She ended up biting Kai on her left cheek. Chris jumped on the dog while Mike scooped up Kai. I came running saw Kai's face and began to freak out. I'm prego and this much stress is no good.. Summer saw me, sat me down and sat with me till I was calm enough to take in the situation. Mike had a couple beers so he was not able to drive so Summer drove Him and Kai to the nearest ER. Several hours later they come back to the cabin. The house was eerie. Kai ended up being put a bit under and received 9 stitches. She was really good about it. While she was gone Skip and Kari took Giggy home. On their way they discussed somethings and decided the best thing would be to put Giggy to sleep. I never asked for this. Neither did Mike. It broke all of our hearts and set the tone for the rest of the week that we were there. Everyones hearts were heavy. I felt slightly responsible at the time for not being in the room with Kai. It was nobodies fault. It just happened. I cried as I held Kai thinking about how much pain she was in and how her face is now scared. I grew up with a scar on my left cheek and was teased for it in school and I fear that for her. I slept with her on the couch making sure that she was not in pain or had any problems with the anesthesia. She woke up in the morning better than we all expected. She was sore and cried during bandage change (because of the pulling of the bandaids) But Summer was great with her. I couldn't thank her enough. I was so hormonal and emotional that for the first two days I couldn't do it. After all of that we traveled to Summers house. She is such an awesome host. We had a good time with her. We spent a week with her then on Saturday we had the baby shower. It was awesome. My only wish was that I had more friends show up. So much for that one. I am thankful for those who did show! The Hole shower, games gifts and everything were awesome! I hope to have some pictures to show soon. The day after the shower was time to go. We said our good byes and then headed home.
Things went quick after that. Mikes mom(gma) moved in with us in September due to his dads(gpa)passing. We quickly moved into a 3 bedroom with her and she is doing well.
November 10th came and my scheduled c-section went along as planned. I was nervous as crazy. I arrived there and everything went smoothly. They got me in, all set up and then we went into the operating room. They put in the spinal (which went in smoothly) while Mike waited outside. They layed me down and prepped me. Mike came in and sat by my head. It all happened so fast. The cool thing was I could see the whole possess in the reflection of the light. I saw Levis head pop out then the rest of his body. He was healthy and everything was well. My Doc , Best OB I have ever met, Dr. Penikas, asked me if I was sure I wanted to have my tubal ligation because I make cute kids. I said yes and they proceeded to doing so. After all was said and done I was in my room and so was the baby. He was so cute. He was also a squeaky toy lol. My Great friend Arianna drove from Seattle to be with me for the night after Mike left. Kai stayed with her friends Max and Alex. A big thanks to their mom Jamie for all her help. I was in the hospital for a couple days while I healed enough to go home. After arriving at home I was so super sore. Mike stayed home as long as he could then I still needed a little help. So my Oregon friends helped me a couple days which helped so much. We enjoyed Levi greatly but did the new parent being over tired emotional thing. Mike even drove in the middle of the night to the nearest (30 miles away) Wal-Mart to get different bottles and gas meds because Levi was having a hard time with air. We also within the first couple weeks changed formula 3 times, from soy to regular to a hypo-allergenic formula which finally worked. We have to thicken it and give him some Zantac. He is growing well now.
Kai Is still having a hard time adjusting. I understand that it is all new for her. She has been such a good kid that this behavior threw us waaaay off track. She is getting better little by little but she is still isn't back to being a good little girl that she used to be. But its ok.
I had headaches every day really bad after The birth and after 2-3 weeks of them I went in and they said I had a fluid leak and they wanted to do a spinal patch. I agreed and went in a couple days later. As they tried to do the spinal patch one of the anesthesiologists couldn't get the needle in correctly so she had another try. She poked me very hard and ended up putting a bigger hole in it. Just after the numbing around where they were poking wore off (30 min) I began to have severe back pains and rapid migraine. I was leaking fluid into my back . They said they wanted to wait a couple days before attempting it again. A couple days later I went in to have it patched again. This time with a different set of anesthesiologists. I got allot of relief right away. I still had minor headaches and piching in my back but nothing like before. Very manageable.
A month after Levi was born, I was just beginning to feel better and I had a really bad stomach ache and back pains. I shrugged it off ass a sour stomach even though the pains were enough to cause vomiting. The next day I felt the stomach pain again. And the back pain was still lingering. I had Mike come home from work and I went to the ER. Come to find out, I had Gaul stones, so much so that they wanted to extract they Gaul bladder. The next day i had it removed. I stayed in the hospital for one more day then I was sent home. Unable to deal with the pain I went back to the ER and they re admitted me for a couple days. As soon as my pain was managed I went back home to slowly heal. Ihad to be put on antibiotics because of infection in my belly button. But I'm all better now. Certain things give me a tummy ache some times though.
As for updates on Levi. He will be 17 weeks on Thursday. Doctors and all growth stuff go by weeks. Lest just say from 10th to 10th he is almost 4 months. He has been developing very well. He tried to hold his bottle since a month old but lost interest quickly. As of this week he will hold onto it all by himself for most the bottle. He rolled over at just a couple weeks old, but only a few times. He would giggle in his sleep. He finally started babbling and giggling out loud at 2 months. By 3 months he was full belly giggling smiling all the time and babbling. He also would roll from front to back. He likes tummy time some times but loves rolling to his back. On new years eve we bought an upright sleeper/cradle. We brought it over to Brett and Jessies house so he would try it so maybe we could enjoy the party. It worked!! He slept for 8 hours straight for the first time! He has been sleeping through the night from then on. What a blessing! He loves his bed. We need to transition him into his crib but don't know how with the nap situation because of Kai growing out of them. I will figure something out for sure. He says mama when he cries sometimes. He has such a cute soft voice. He finishes his bottles really well. He is up to 24-26 oz a day thickened with ceial. He also eats a gerber tub of baby food a day. Half at lunch and half at dinner. So far we have tried Apples, bananas, pears, carrots and squash. He Loved the carrots, wasn't to apt on the apples or pears. But we will keep trying. The bananas went ok as well. He is such a boy and wants to take the spoon from me making a mess. Kai never made messes . We find so many differences between them and similarities; Like he loves blankets. Doesn't matter which ones, just something soft. He sleeps with music on and sleeps better when not quiet. He looks alot like she did as a baby. Some of the differences are; he loves toys, Kai didn't play with toys till she was a year and half. Levi drools a lot, Kai never did. Levi eats his hands and anything by him, Kai refused to teeth on anything and didn't ever put things in her mouth. Kai would always scream her loudest shriekiest voice every time she cried. Levi has a baby cry :). Mike doesn't remember the shrieks, But I do. He was born smaller than Kai, which we did not expect. We expected the opposite. His feets are still small. He is growing quickly. Right on track with his size, if not a little lengthier. He is finally getting some chubb. His eyes are getting more and more light blue. Kai's eyes have finally changed too. After 4 years of being grey they are turning greenish. Not bright green, but green.
All in all we are doing well. Mike got a new bike so he cant take Kai and Levi (when he is old enough) around so we can get out more. Kai is adapting to it well. We cant wait till Levi is big enough :). We are going to have alot of fun. he will just be old enough as our summer is ending and our warm fall transitions. Mike has been working hard and I have been getting back into going for walks, Going to play dates, I even have a moms night in I plan on going to soon :). We are getting into routine and loving it:)
Well that's all for now. Pics to come soon. Thanks for reading.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Monday, October 18, 2010
Pumpkin Patch
Mike Kai and I drove out to the pumpkin Patch at the Rolloff Family farms. We rived and it was a little crowded but not too bad.At the very beginning we saw a family of 6 well dressed as pirates it was awesome. We saw the 3 boys there and all were pretty cool. We saw Amy as well but she was buisy with guest meet and greets. We first went to go feed the animals. Kai loved feeding them. We ended up buying to cups of food to feed them. She really loves animals. After we saw the animals we went romping through the patch. We saw pumpkins big and small and she loved them all. For the last couple weeks she has been asking for pumpkin this and that. She is actually excited! She found a couple pumpkins and went home with 3, two for her and one for mike. In the middle of picken our pumpkins there was a kick the sockerball game. Kai loved it. Jake was nice and friendly to Kai and giggled when Kai tried to kick the ball. After we picked our pumpkins we went to see the tractor and we saw the baby tiger. After that it was time to go home. Kai was so happy. We decided to take her to McDonalds for lunch and a potty break. After that we went to the spirit Halloween store. We kept telling Kai all the scary stuff were just toys and introduced her to everything in the store letting her touch everything. she loved it. She wasn't scared at all. We even put on some masks and she was ok with them as long as she got to touch them. After we were done there we went a couple other places then home to play allot of Pegle lol.. All in all a great day! Pics are on my facbook if you want to see.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Bullied
So the past couple days I've been seeing things about bullies and the bullied. Kids killing and getting killed. What I'm about to write isn't easy but I needed to do it. It is 1:45 in the am and I cant sleep because I read someone elses blog about their childhood and being a victim to a bully and my mind started racing. I am not looking for any pity or any sort of "hey look at me" thing, just wanted to write what happened to me as a kid. Maby as you read you will have thoughts running through your head about what has happened to you in the past and what you did about it and share them if not that's ok too. I encourage you to read it all the way through, but after you do do not think of me as different, but see these things are what made me who I am today, and what contributed to what I did yesterday.
I do have a bad memory but the things I tend to remember about my child hood are usually the not so delightful aspects. One shrink said it was mental blocking , if it were wouldn't i block out the bad as well as the good?
As far back as I can remember I was always the laugh of the class, not the class clown , but the one being laughed at. Most presume when I tell them it's because I was the fat kid ,but that is far from the truth. I was skinny as a rail till I was 13.I honestly couldn't tell you why I was targeted in grade school. But it seemed as if no matter what school I went to I was the one being picked on. Was it because I was shy? Was it because my mother moved us around so much that I was always in a new school? Was it because I was a little taller than the other kids? Was it because I was always sick and missed several days? Was it that I couldn't do PE most the time because of illness? Maby it was all of those. I never really found out.
One day in the fourth grade I came home in tears. Not like the regular emotional kid tears, but I was but in full blown I cant breath tears. After my mom got me to calm down she asked what was wrong. I finally told her that I was being harassed in school. But I didn't tell her the extent because I was afraid that my step father would punish me for it. The next day it happened again. This time even worse. After an hour of calming down and a hot shower to stop the shaking I told my mother that I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up, that I wanted to die. She asked why and I told her how the kids in class call me dumb all the time and how they throw stuff at me. She began to tell me that it was not nice of them and they were in the wrong. Just like a mom is supposed to do.. Well then I began to tell her the worst part. My teacher failed my work because I didn't understand something in the math sheet and she shoved the paper in my face and said these words which are still crystal clear in my head to this day "Wow you are really stupid. No wonder the other kids hate you." I can even remember the smell of the fresh ink she used on the paper to write "Don't be so dumb". My mother cried with me then called the school and had the teacher fired. The ridicule of being stupid followed me from school to school.
I remember 5th grade at Sierra elementary. I made a friend with a boy who had Spinabifada. We used to hang in the classroom while the others did PE and even recess. I got teased for that too. This one boy decided to tease me more than others. He made it a point to throw water at me then tell everyone I peed myself, several times a week. He threw sand in my eyes, popped my new handball, even stole my shoes. The day I remember the most though is when he threw a sharp rock about 8 inches in diameter at my head. In pain and bleeding down the back of my neck I sought help from a noon duty. The next day my whole class started teasing me and calling me a tattle. The most common thing heard from that point is "don't talk to her she will tell on you". When I moved schools (again), because it was a small town , there was always that one kid who remembered me as the kid to pick on... So I just kept it to myself never telling anyone what was said or done to me.
In JR High I remember the laughing and pointing. I remember the pulling of hair and the constant hate notes. One day a girl decided it would be fun to beat me up. She kicked me, I asked her to stop, she kicked me again and I warned her to leave me alone. As she laughed I found my seat in the class and she came up to me and slapped me. I grabbed her hands and before I could do anything the teacher pulled her away for me yelling don't hurt her Terra, Don't hurt her. she was sent to the office as the teacher sat with me to calm me down. I remember how kind she was. She had to send me to the office because of me toughing her even though she said she didn't want to. So she walked with me there. That was the last time I saw her. She quit because they suspended me for defending myself and they did not suspend the other chick. I didn't find this out till I was an adult many years later. I was suspended for three days because the other chick said I punched her which I didn't do. I was so afraid of what my mother would say. I knew my step father was in jail so he couldn't hurt me, but what would my mother do? She took me out for ice cream for defending myself.
Although you would think that that kind gesture would have made me want to stand up for myself, it made me, well just quiet. All summer long I dreaded going back to school. By that time I was living with my grandparents because my stepfather got out of jail and I refused to live with him. He abused me in ALL ways from the time I was 4 and I was terrified of him. So between not wanting to go to school and afraid of my stepfather coming for me, more and more feelings were just getting shoved into my already full mind.
Going back to Juniper I was so terrified. I knew I would see the chick who tried to beat me up, what would she do. Since she was popular she turned the whole school against me. I was kicked, laughed at, spit on, even framed for having a knife that they searched me for and thought I was lieng about because they couldn't find.I was let go because of no evidence. The ridicule got so bad that I got sick. My body shut down from all the stress and I was out of school for a month and a half. When I returned puberty had set in and I started to get boobs and a butt. Just another thing for them to poke fun at. I couldn't handle it any longer so my grandmother put me in a private school where there were only 40 kids in the entire school and half of them were grades 6 and under. I advanced there but I also gained weight rapidly (due to a thyroid problem that wasnt detected till recently). I was eating like a normal teen, but my body just kept gaining.
A couple years goes by and I go to live with my mother in Nevada. I had to join a public school again. These kids were not as bad, but I went from being the nerd to being the fat kid who hung out with freshman nerds because they were the only ones to give me the time of day. After a year of still keeping all of my feelings tucked inside of all the times I just wanted to die and not have to endure the pain any more, I moved back to California. I started HS there and the torment got worse. I was the fat nerd. I had a couple of "friends" that only hung with me because they were nerds too. Half way through the year and I couldn't take it any more. A guy was dared to ask me out. When he did I froze and then he dumped his soda all over me. This was a guy I had a crush on for a long while and thought we were friends. Who was behind tha daring, the Girl whom tried to beat me up. yup that mean spirited person.
Later that night I reached my breaking point. I was living with my aunt and she had left for the night so I was home alone. I cried and screamed like no ones business and decided to end my life. I tied a nuce out of some para cord and hung it in the closet. I was still crying hysterically. I was in the middle of writing my goodbye note and I passed out from hyperventilation. I woke the next morning with the pen still in my had with the words writen "Why me?" written on the paper infront of me/ Shaking and not sure what to do next I went to school and tried to pretend like nothing had happened. As fate had it my 4th period was health class. That days subject, Teen Suicide. I tried to get through the class but I had begun to fidget and get uncomfortable. The teacher took notice and pulled me outside. (He was a sweet man and will alwase remeber his kindness.) He asked if there was something wrong, and I just cried. I then told him I tried to end my life the night before and I didn't know what to do and that I just didn't want to be alive. He stopped the class and led me to the office where I met Dr. Eric Beam the school psychologist. From that point on I began a long and hard healing proses. It was so dificult that I started cutting to relieve the pain, I took psyc meds, I tried starving myself (to the point of passing out in front of my mom). Nothing helped.
I passed on collage scholarships because I didn't think I was good enough. Passed up on joining teams because I thought I didn't belong. Passed up friendships because I didn't think they would last. I passed up a little bit of my life from being afraid to love myself.
It wasn't till I was an adult and Happy with my life that I began to completely heal. It wasn't till after I met Mike that I began to see myself as me, not some hideous fat, ugly, nobody. I began to love and be loved back. Then I had Kai and my love got taken to another level. I felt more love than ever. I still had and have my ups and downs as is life but I now respect myself, I love myself , And I don't want to die. I do have my days where I just need a hug, But hey i guess thats part of being a woman.
As for yesterday,(Wednesday) I was at the park watching Kai play when out of the corner of my eye I see a little boy being a bully to another boy who was trying to play along. But the moment the bully tried to push the boy off the slide I saw the sheer terror in that other boys eyes and spoke up. "Boys" I yelled from the bench.. "you need to stop! You do not push others off the slide or any where else! You need to controll yourself and play nice or go sit with your parents!" Terrified of the mother or father coming up and tackling me for something I said, I was short of breath. I found myself in a fear moment. Why did I just do that? Seconds later another mom looked at me and said "good for you," I about cried then started a delightful conversation with her while watching Kai and her son play. The scared boy was not her son, but she had told me that if it was she would want someone doing what I had done. It was in that moment I realized I didn't do anything bad, I prevented something bad. Weather that child bullies again I will not know, But I personally know how comforting and good it feels when others rescue you. And the look in the boys face when he wasn't being bullied anymore said allot.
I thought about this and though of all the times I did this not knowing what I was doing. I would stand up for other kids who were bullied as a kid, as a teen and as an adult. My friends in my early adult years called me the pit bull, because I would stand up for them... I just couldn't do it for me. Now I can. Now I can be the better person and tell them they are wrong. I can look at myself and know they were wrong and it wasnt my fault.
So why did I write all this? Because I want all who read this to help those who are crying so loud that no one can hear them. It is Us that can help. Especially if you have children, educate them on what bulling is and help those who bully because somewhere deep in there there is something wrong inside that person to make them want to bully. Maby together through word of mouth we can save a few lives, help a few people, or just let others know there is help out there. Millions are on facebook every day posting their bra colors or " where they like it" maby we can chain through there that there is help. Who knows, I could be writing this for nothing, Or I could be touching one individual.. Only you who are reading will know.
I do have a bad memory but the things I tend to remember about my child hood are usually the not so delightful aspects. One shrink said it was mental blocking , if it were wouldn't i block out the bad as well as the good?
As far back as I can remember I was always the laugh of the class, not the class clown , but the one being laughed at. Most presume when I tell them it's because I was the fat kid ,but that is far from the truth. I was skinny as a rail till I was 13.I honestly couldn't tell you why I was targeted in grade school. But it seemed as if no matter what school I went to I was the one being picked on. Was it because I was shy? Was it because my mother moved us around so much that I was always in a new school? Was it because I was a little taller than the other kids? Was it because I was always sick and missed several days? Was it that I couldn't do PE most the time because of illness? Maby it was all of those. I never really found out.
One day in the fourth grade I came home in tears. Not like the regular emotional kid tears, but I was but in full blown I cant breath tears. After my mom got me to calm down she asked what was wrong. I finally told her that I was being harassed in school. But I didn't tell her the extent because I was afraid that my step father would punish me for it. The next day it happened again. This time even worse. After an hour of calming down and a hot shower to stop the shaking I told my mother that I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up, that I wanted to die. She asked why and I told her how the kids in class call me dumb all the time and how they throw stuff at me. She began to tell me that it was not nice of them and they were in the wrong. Just like a mom is supposed to do.. Well then I began to tell her the worst part. My teacher failed my work because I didn't understand something in the math sheet and she shoved the paper in my face and said these words which are still crystal clear in my head to this day "Wow you are really stupid. No wonder the other kids hate you." I can even remember the smell of the fresh ink she used on the paper to write "Don't be so dumb". My mother cried with me then called the school and had the teacher fired. The ridicule of being stupid followed me from school to school.
I remember 5th grade at Sierra elementary. I made a friend with a boy who had Spinabifada. We used to hang in the classroom while the others did PE and even recess. I got teased for that too. This one boy decided to tease me more than others. He made it a point to throw water at me then tell everyone I peed myself, several times a week. He threw sand in my eyes, popped my new handball, even stole my shoes. The day I remember the most though is when he threw a sharp rock about 8 inches in diameter at my head. In pain and bleeding down the back of my neck I sought help from a noon duty. The next day my whole class started teasing me and calling me a tattle. The most common thing heard from that point is "don't talk to her she will tell on you". When I moved schools (again), because it was a small town , there was always that one kid who remembered me as the kid to pick on... So I just kept it to myself never telling anyone what was said or done to me.
In JR High I remember the laughing and pointing. I remember the pulling of hair and the constant hate notes. One day a girl decided it would be fun to beat me up. She kicked me, I asked her to stop, she kicked me again and I warned her to leave me alone. As she laughed I found my seat in the class and she came up to me and slapped me. I grabbed her hands and before I could do anything the teacher pulled her away for me yelling don't hurt her Terra, Don't hurt her. she was sent to the office as the teacher sat with me to calm me down. I remember how kind she was. She had to send me to the office because of me toughing her even though she said she didn't want to. So she walked with me there. That was the last time I saw her. She quit because they suspended me for defending myself and they did not suspend the other chick. I didn't find this out till I was an adult many years later. I was suspended for three days because the other chick said I punched her which I didn't do. I was so afraid of what my mother would say. I knew my step father was in jail so he couldn't hurt me, but what would my mother do? She took me out for ice cream for defending myself.
Although you would think that that kind gesture would have made me want to stand up for myself, it made me, well just quiet. All summer long I dreaded going back to school. By that time I was living with my grandparents because my stepfather got out of jail and I refused to live with him. He abused me in ALL ways from the time I was 4 and I was terrified of him. So between not wanting to go to school and afraid of my stepfather coming for me, more and more feelings were just getting shoved into my already full mind.
Going back to Juniper I was so terrified. I knew I would see the chick who tried to beat me up, what would she do. Since she was popular she turned the whole school against me. I was kicked, laughed at, spit on, even framed for having a knife that they searched me for and thought I was lieng about because they couldn't find.I was let go because of no evidence. The ridicule got so bad that I got sick. My body shut down from all the stress and I was out of school for a month and a half. When I returned puberty had set in and I started to get boobs and a butt. Just another thing for them to poke fun at. I couldn't handle it any longer so my grandmother put me in a private school where there were only 40 kids in the entire school and half of them were grades 6 and under. I advanced there but I also gained weight rapidly (due to a thyroid problem that wasnt detected till recently). I was eating like a normal teen, but my body just kept gaining.
A couple years goes by and I go to live with my mother in Nevada. I had to join a public school again. These kids were not as bad, but I went from being the nerd to being the fat kid who hung out with freshman nerds because they were the only ones to give me the time of day. After a year of still keeping all of my feelings tucked inside of all the times I just wanted to die and not have to endure the pain any more, I moved back to California. I started HS there and the torment got worse. I was the fat nerd. I had a couple of "friends" that only hung with me because they were nerds too. Half way through the year and I couldn't take it any more. A guy was dared to ask me out. When he did I froze and then he dumped his soda all over me. This was a guy I had a crush on for a long while and thought we were friends. Who was behind tha daring, the Girl whom tried to beat me up. yup that mean spirited person.
Later that night I reached my breaking point. I was living with my aunt and she had left for the night so I was home alone. I cried and screamed like no ones business and decided to end my life. I tied a nuce out of some para cord and hung it in the closet. I was still crying hysterically. I was in the middle of writing my goodbye note and I passed out from hyperventilation. I woke the next morning with the pen still in my had with the words writen "Why me?" written on the paper infront of me/ Shaking and not sure what to do next I went to school and tried to pretend like nothing had happened. As fate had it my 4th period was health class. That days subject, Teen Suicide. I tried to get through the class but I had begun to fidget and get uncomfortable. The teacher took notice and pulled me outside. (He was a sweet man and will alwase remeber his kindness.) He asked if there was something wrong, and I just cried. I then told him I tried to end my life the night before and I didn't know what to do and that I just didn't want to be alive. He stopped the class and led me to the office where I met Dr. Eric Beam the school psychologist. From that point on I began a long and hard healing proses. It was so dificult that I started cutting to relieve the pain, I took psyc meds, I tried starving myself (to the point of passing out in front of my mom). Nothing helped.
I passed on collage scholarships because I didn't think I was good enough. Passed up on joining teams because I thought I didn't belong. Passed up friendships because I didn't think they would last. I passed up a little bit of my life from being afraid to love myself.
It wasn't till I was an adult and Happy with my life that I began to completely heal. It wasn't till after I met Mike that I began to see myself as me, not some hideous fat, ugly, nobody. I began to love and be loved back. Then I had Kai and my love got taken to another level. I felt more love than ever. I still had and have my ups and downs as is life but I now respect myself, I love myself , And I don't want to die. I do have my days where I just need a hug, But hey i guess thats part of being a woman.
As for yesterday,(Wednesday) I was at the park watching Kai play when out of the corner of my eye I see a little boy being a bully to another boy who was trying to play along. But the moment the bully tried to push the boy off the slide I saw the sheer terror in that other boys eyes and spoke up. "Boys" I yelled from the bench.. "you need to stop! You do not push others off the slide or any where else! You need to controll yourself and play nice or go sit with your parents!" Terrified of the mother or father coming up and tackling me for something I said, I was short of breath. I found myself in a fear moment. Why did I just do that? Seconds later another mom looked at me and said "good for you," I about cried then started a delightful conversation with her while watching Kai and her son play. The scared boy was not her son, but she had told me that if it was she would want someone doing what I had done. It was in that moment I realized I didn't do anything bad, I prevented something bad. Weather that child bullies again I will not know, But I personally know how comforting and good it feels when others rescue you. And the look in the boys face when he wasn't being bullied anymore said allot.
I thought about this and though of all the times I did this not knowing what I was doing. I would stand up for other kids who were bullied as a kid, as a teen and as an adult. My friends in my early adult years called me the pit bull, because I would stand up for them... I just couldn't do it for me. Now I can. Now I can be the better person and tell them they are wrong. I can look at myself and know they were wrong and it wasnt my fault.
So why did I write all this? Because I want all who read this to help those who are crying so loud that no one can hear them. It is Us that can help. Especially if you have children, educate them on what bulling is and help those who bully because somewhere deep in there there is something wrong inside that person to make them want to bully. Maby together through word of mouth we can save a few lives, help a few people, or just let others know there is help out there. Millions are on facebook every day posting their bra colors or " where they like it" maby we can chain through there that there is help. Who knows, I could be writing this for nothing, Or I could be touching one individual.. Only you who are reading will know.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Diet 101
it has been 101 days of diet and I have lost 33 pounds so far. I have learned of many new recipes that are healthier and really tasty. We have eaten out 80% less and I don't so much miss it! Some times I crave french fries, but that's about it. I get over that when we order Kai fries and I have a couple. I love eating Vegies so that's a plus! Any who, for the last month I have hit a plateau and it's my fault because I haven't been eating during the day and I haven't been exercising. I mostly blame it on stress and worry. Ive been trying to get prego and I worried if I exercised to much that I would miscarry. I think these feelings of fear stem from my first pregnancy witch I miscarried. If you have never miscarried let me tell you it hurts physically and mentally. Thoughts wander through your head of what did I do? What could I have done to prevent it? So I was being over cautious and I wouldn't ride the bike and took short short walks. Just what my body didn't need. I had promised myself that I wouldn't get down if I didn't get prego last month, I broke my promise. The thoughts ran through my head again of what did I do wrong?. Well I have come to a conclusion of I will still try to get prego but I'm not going to be over cautious. I'm going to get out there and walk and bike. I really wanted to go out yesterday but poor Kai was coughing up a lung. After nap time I will go for a nice long walk today. I want to loose more weight and more inches. The only way for me to do this is by getting out. For me this is easier to do with someone, But no one wants to during the day. So I will have to try harder to get out and get myself to a better me. Hopefully ill get prego soon, have the baby and be able to loose and loose till I hit my goal.. I am hoping that in 2 years from now I will be 150, tone and have more energy. 2 years sounds like so long sometimes....
Oh and Mike has been doing great in all of this too, I am proud of him and he makes me want to keep going!
Oh and Mike has been doing great in all of this too, I am proud of him and he makes me want to keep going!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
ZOOOOOOO
Ok, ok, lol. So Mike and I took Kai to the zoo for the first time a couple weeks ago and I have been lagging on blogging about it. Well this is what I am doing now lol.
The trip was great! We saw many diffrent animals and Kai was excited about all of them! We even payed the little extra and walked through the Dino exibit. Kai wasnt scared at all! In the middle of the day we took a rest and watched the bird show wich was amazing! Kai loved to watch them. She loves animals just like I do :)Here are some pics... There were so many so I just chose a handfull... (oh and we believe the eagle handler was Jens doppleganger :))
The trip was great! We saw many diffrent animals and Kai was excited about all of them! We even payed the little extra and walked through the Dino exibit. Kai wasnt scared at all! In the middle of the day we took a rest and watched the bird show wich was amazing! Kai loved to watch them. She loves animals just like I do :)Here are some pics... There were so many so I just chose a handfull... (oh and we believe the eagle handler was Jens doppleganger :))
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Loosing Me
So its coming up on 60 days of this diet and I have lost 30 pounds so far. Do I feel diffrent.. Not much. Do I want to Quit.. NOPE. I am looking forward to next summer when I can buy a bathing suit that doesnt have a skirt attached to hide my cottage cheese.I am noticing a lil bit here and there but I still feel discusted with myself which drives me to keep going. I'm not missing the ice cream binges or the Carls JR runs. I'm actualy happy about cooking. I enjoy it. I've come up with some meals that have proven to be better for us. And they taste good. Mike has lost almost 30 pounds too. You can notice it in his cloths. He comes up with nifty ideas as well for food and we make them so they fit our calorie budget. All in all everything is going well. I realy want to step it up thoug.. Hopefully I can muster more energy :)
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