Monday, October 18, 2010
Pumpkin Patch
Mike Kai and I drove out to the pumpkin Patch at the Rolloff Family farms. We rived and it was a little crowded but not too bad.At the very beginning we saw a family of 6 well dressed as pirates it was awesome. We saw the 3 boys there and all were pretty cool. We saw Amy as well but she was buisy with guest meet and greets. We first went to go feed the animals. Kai loved feeding them. We ended up buying to cups of food to feed them. She really loves animals. After we saw the animals we went romping through the patch. We saw pumpkins big and small and she loved them all. For the last couple weeks she has been asking for pumpkin this and that. She is actually excited! She found a couple pumpkins and went home with 3, two for her and one for mike. In the middle of picken our pumpkins there was a kick the sockerball game. Kai loved it. Jake was nice and friendly to Kai and giggled when Kai tried to kick the ball. After we picked our pumpkins we went to see the tractor and we saw the baby tiger. After that it was time to go home. Kai was so happy. We decided to take her to McDonalds for lunch and a potty break. After that we went to the spirit Halloween store. We kept telling Kai all the scary stuff were just toys and introduced her to everything in the store letting her touch everything. she loved it. She wasn't scared at all. We even put on some masks and she was ok with them as long as she got to touch them. After we were done there we went a couple other places then home to play allot of Pegle lol.. All in all a great day! Pics are on my facbook if you want to see.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Bullied
So the past couple days I've been seeing things about bullies and the bullied. Kids killing and getting killed. What I'm about to write isn't easy but I needed to do it. It is 1:45 in the am and I cant sleep because I read someone elses blog about their childhood and being a victim to a bully and my mind started racing. I am not looking for any pity or any sort of "hey look at me" thing, just wanted to write what happened to me as a kid. Maby as you read you will have thoughts running through your head about what has happened to you in the past and what you did about it and share them if not that's ok too. I encourage you to read it all the way through, but after you do do not think of me as different, but see these things are what made me who I am today, and what contributed to what I did yesterday.
I do have a bad memory but the things I tend to remember about my child hood are usually the not so delightful aspects. One shrink said it was mental blocking , if it were wouldn't i block out the bad as well as the good?
As far back as I can remember I was always the laugh of the class, not the class clown , but the one being laughed at. Most presume when I tell them it's because I was the fat kid ,but that is far from the truth. I was skinny as a rail till I was 13.I honestly couldn't tell you why I was targeted in grade school. But it seemed as if no matter what school I went to I was the one being picked on. Was it because I was shy? Was it because my mother moved us around so much that I was always in a new school? Was it because I was a little taller than the other kids? Was it because I was always sick and missed several days? Was it that I couldn't do PE most the time because of illness? Maby it was all of those. I never really found out.
One day in the fourth grade I came home in tears. Not like the regular emotional kid tears, but I was but in full blown I cant breath tears. After my mom got me to calm down she asked what was wrong. I finally told her that I was being harassed in school. But I didn't tell her the extent because I was afraid that my step father would punish me for it. The next day it happened again. This time even worse. After an hour of calming down and a hot shower to stop the shaking I told my mother that I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up, that I wanted to die. She asked why and I told her how the kids in class call me dumb all the time and how they throw stuff at me. She began to tell me that it was not nice of them and they were in the wrong. Just like a mom is supposed to do.. Well then I began to tell her the worst part. My teacher failed my work because I didn't understand something in the math sheet and she shoved the paper in my face and said these words which are still crystal clear in my head to this day "Wow you are really stupid. No wonder the other kids hate you." I can even remember the smell of the fresh ink she used on the paper to write "Don't be so dumb". My mother cried with me then called the school and had the teacher fired. The ridicule of being stupid followed me from school to school.
I remember 5th grade at Sierra elementary. I made a friend with a boy who had Spinabifada. We used to hang in the classroom while the others did PE and even recess. I got teased for that too. This one boy decided to tease me more than others. He made it a point to throw water at me then tell everyone I peed myself, several times a week. He threw sand in my eyes, popped my new handball, even stole my shoes. The day I remember the most though is when he threw a sharp rock about 8 inches in diameter at my head. In pain and bleeding down the back of my neck I sought help from a noon duty. The next day my whole class started teasing me and calling me a tattle. The most common thing heard from that point is "don't talk to her she will tell on you". When I moved schools (again), because it was a small town , there was always that one kid who remembered me as the kid to pick on... So I just kept it to myself never telling anyone what was said or done to me.
In JR High I remember the laughing and pointing. I remember the pulling of hair and the constant hate notes. One day a girl decided it would be fun to beat me up. She kicked me, I asked her to stop, she kicked me again and I warned her to leave me alone. As she laughed I found my seat in the class and she came up to me and slapped me. I grabbed her hands and before I could do anything the teacher pulled her away for me yelling don't hurt her Terra, Don't hurt her. she was sent to the office as the teacher sat with me to calm me down. I remember how kind she was. She had to send me to the office because of me toughing her even though she said she didn't want to. So she walked with me there. That was the last time I saw her. She quit because they suspended me for defending myself and they did not suspend the other chick. I didn't find this out till I was an adult many years later. I was suspended for three days because the other chick said I punched her which I didn't do. I was so afraid of what my mother would say. I knew my step father was in jail so he couldn't hurt me, but what would my mother do? She took me out for ice cream for defending myself.
Although you would think that that kind gesture would have made me want to stand up for myself, it made me, well just quiet. All summer long I dreaded going back to school. By that time I was living with my grandparents because my stepfather got out of jail and I refused to live with him. He abused me in ALL ways from the time I was 4 and I was terrified of him. So between not wanting to go to school and afraid of my stepfather coming for me, more and more feelings were just getting shoved into my already full mind.
Going back to Juniper I was so terrified. I knew I would see the chick who tried to beat me up, what would she do. Since she was popular she turned the whole school against me. I was kicked, laughed at, spit on, even framed for having a knife that they searched me for and thought I was lieng about because they couldn't find.I was let go because of no evidence. The ridicule got so bad that I got sick. My body shut down from all the stress and I was out of school for a month and a half. When I returned puberty had set in and I started to get boobs and a butt. Just another thing for them to poke fun at. I couldn't handle it any longer so my grandmother put me in a private school where there were only 40 kids in the entire school and half of them were grades 6 and under. I advanced there but I also gained weight rapidly (due to a thyroid problem that wasnt detected till recently). I was eating like a normal teen, but my body just kept gaining.
A couple years goes by and I go to live with my mother in Nevada. I had to join a public school again. These kids were not as bad, but I went from being the nerd to being the fat kid who hung out with freshman nerds because they were the only ones to give me the time of day. After a year of still keeping all of my feelings tucked inside of all the times I just wanted to die and not have to endure the pain any more, I moved back to California. I started HS there and the torment got worse. I was the fat nerd. I had a couple of "friends" that only hung with me because they were nerds too. Half way through the year and I couldn't take it any more. A guy was dared to ask me out. When he did I froze and then he dumped his soda all over me. This was a guy I had a crush on for a long while and thought we were friends. Who was behind tha daring, the Girl whom tried to beat me up. yup that mean spirited person.
Later that night I reached my breaking point. I was living with my aunt and she had left for the night so I was home alone. I cried and screamed like no ones business and decided to end my life. I tied a nuce out of some para cord and hung it in the closet. I was still crying hysterically. I was in the middle of writing my goodbye note and I passed out from hyperventilation. I woke the next morning with the pen still in my had with the words writen "Why me?" written on the paper infront of me/ Shaking and not sure what to do next I went to school and tried to pretend like nothing had happened. As fate had it my 4th period was health class. That days subject, Teen Suicide. I tried to get through the class but I had begun to fidget and get uncomfortable. The teacher took notice and pulled me outside. (He was a sweet man and will alwase remeber his kindness.) He asked if there was something wrong, and I just cried. I then told him I tried to end my life the night before and I didn't know what to do and that I just didn't want to be alive. He stopped the class and led me to the office where I met Dr. Eric Beam the school psychologist. From that point on I began a long and hard healing proses. It was so dificult that I started cutting to relieve the pain, I took psyc meds, I tried starving myself (to the point of passing out in front of my mom). Nothing helped.
I passed on collage scholarships because I didn't think I was good enough. Passed up on joining teams because I thought I didn't belong. Passed up friendships because I didn't think they would last. I passed up a little bit of my life from being afraid to love myself.
It wasn't till I was an adult and Happy with my life that I began to completely heal. It wasn't till after I met Mike that I began to see myself as me, not some hideous fat, ugly, nobody. I began to love and be loved back. Then I had Kai and my love got taken to another level. I felt more love than ever. I still had and have my ups and downs as is life but I now respect myself, I love myself , And I don't want to die. I do have my days where I just need a hug, But hey i guess thats part of being a woman.
As for yesterday,(Wednesday) I was at the park watching Kai play when out of the corner of my eye I see a little boy being a bully to another boy who was trying to play along. But the moment the bully tried to push the boy off the slide I saw the sheer terror in that other boys eyes and spoke up. "Boys" I yelled from the bench.. "you need to stop! You do not push others off the slide or any where else! You need to controll yourself and play nice or go sit with your parents!" Terrified of the mother or father coming up and tackling me for something I said, I was short of breath. I found myself in a fear moment. Why did I just do that? Seconds later another mom looked at me and said "good for you," I about cried then started a delightful conversation with her while watching Kai and her son play. The scared boy was not her son, but she had told me that if it was she would want someone doing what I had done. It was in that moment I realized I didn't do anything bad, I prevented something bad. Weather that child bullies again I will not know, But I personally know how comforting and good it feels when others rescue you. And the look in the boys face when he wasn't being bullied anymore said allot.
I thought about this and though of all the times I did this not knowing what I was doing. I would stand up for other kids who were bullied as a kid, as a teen and as an adult. My friends in my early adult years called me the pit bull, because I would stand up for them... I just couldn't do it for me. Now I can. Now I can be the better person and tell them they are wrong. I can look at myself and know they were wrong and it wasnt my fault.
So why did I write all this? Because I want all who read this to help those who are crying so loud that no one can hear them. It is Us that can help. Especially if you have children, educate them on what bulling is and help those who bully because somewhere deep in there there is something wrong inside that person to make them want to bully. Maby together through word of mouth we can save a few lives, help a few people, or just let others know there is help out there. Millions are on facebook every day posting their bra colors or " where they like it" maby we can chain through there that there is help. Who knows, I could be writing this for nothing, Or I could be touching one individual.. Only you who are reading will know.
I do have a bad memory but the things I tend to remember about my child hood are usually the not so delightful aspects. One shrink said it was mental blocking , if it were wouldn't i block out the bad as well as the good?
As far back as I can remember I was always the laugh of the class, not the class clown , but the one being laughed at. Most presume when I tell them it's because I was the fat kid ,but that is far from the truth. I was skinny as a rail till I was 13.I honestly couldn't tell you why I was targeted in grade school. But it seemed as if no matter what school I went to I was the one being picked on. Was it because I was shy? Was it because my mother moved us around so much that I was always in a new school? Was it because I was a little taller than the other kids? Was it because I was always sick and missed several days? Was it that I couldn't do PE most the time because of illness? Maby it was all of those. I never really found out.
One day in the fourth grade I came home in tears. Not like the regular emotional kid tears, but I was but in full blown I cant breath tears. After my mom got me to calm down she asked what was wrong. I finally told her that I was being harassed in school. But I didn't tell her the extent because I was afraid that my step father would punish me for it. The next day it happened again. This time even worse. After an hour of calming down and a hot shower to stop the shaking I told my mother that I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up, that I wanted to die. She asked why and I told her how the kids in class call me dumb all the time and how they throw stuff at me. She began to tell me that it was not nice of them and they were in the wrong. Just like a mom is supposed to do.. Well then I began to tell her the worst part. My teacher failed my work because I didn't understand something in the math sheet and she shoved the paper in my face and said these words which are still crystal clear in my head to this day "Wow you are really stupid. No wonder the other kids hate you." I can even remember the smell of the fresh ink she used on the paper to write "Don't be so dumb". My mother cried with me then called the school and had the teacher fired. The ridicule of being stupid followed me from school to school.
I remember 5th grade at Sierra elementary. I made a friend with a boy who had Spinabifada. We used to hang in the classroom while the others did PE and even recess. I got teased for that too. This one boy decided to tease me more than others. He made it a point to throw water at me then tell everyone I peed myself, several times a week. He threw sand in my eyes, popped my new handball, even stole my shoes. The day I remember the most though is when he threw a sharp rock about 8 inches in diameter at my head. In pain and bleeding down the back of my neck I sought help from a noon duty. The next day my whole class started teasing me and calling me a tattle. The most common thing heard from that point is "don't talk to her she will tell on you". When I moved schools (again), because it was a small town , there was always that one kid who remembered me as the kid to pick on... So I just kept it to myself never telling anyone what was said or done to me.
In JR High I remember the laughing and pointing. I remember the pulling of hair and the constant hate notes. One day a girl decided it would be fun to beat me up. She kicked me, I asked her to stop, she kicked me again and I warned her to leave me alone. As she laughed I found my seat in the class and she came up to me and slapped me. I grabbed her hands and before I could do anything the teacher pulled her away for me yelling don't hurt her Terra, Don't hurt her. she was sent to the office as the teacher sat with me to calm me down. I remember how kind she was. She had to send me to the office because of me toughing her even though she said she didn't want to. So she walked with me there. That was the last time I saw her. She quit because they suspended me for defending myself and they did not suspend the other chick. I didn't find this out till I was an adult many years later. I was suspended for three days because the other chick said I punched her which I didn't do. I was so afraid of what my mother would say. I knew my step father was in jail so he couldn't hurt me, but what would my mother do? She took me out for ice cream for defending myself.
Although you would think that that kind gesture would have made me want to stand up for myself, it made me, well just quiet. All summer long I dreaded going back to school. By that time I was living with my grandparents because my stepfather got out of jail and I refused to live with him. He abused me in ALL ways from the time I was 4 and I was terrified of him. So between not wanting to go to school and afraid of my stepfather coming for me, more and more feelings were just getting shoved into my already full mind.
Going back to Juniper I was so terrified. I knew I would see the chick who tried to beat me up, what would she do. Since she was popular she turned the whole school against me. I was kicked, laughed at, spit on, even framed for having a knife that they searched me for and thought I was lieng about because they couldn't find.I was let go because of no evidence. The ridicule got so bad that I got sick. My body shut down from all the stress and I was out of school for a month and a half. When I returned puberty had set in and I started to get boobs and a butt. Just another thing for them to poke fun at. I couldn't handle it any longer so my grandmother put me in a private school where there were only 40 kids in the entire school and half of them were grades 6 and under. I advanced there but I also gained weight rapidly (due to a thyroid problem that wasnt detected till recently). I was eating like a normal teen, but my body just kept gaining.
A couple years goes by and I go to live with my mother in Nevada. I had to join a public school again. These kids were not as bad, but I went from being the nerd to being the fat kid who hung out with freshman nerds because they were the only ones to give me the time of day. After a year of still keeping all of my feelings tucked inside of all the times I just wanted to die and not have to endure the pain any more, I moved back to California. I started HS there and the torment got worse. I was the fat nerd. I had a couple of "friends" that only hung with me because they were nerds too. Half way through the year and I couldn't take it any more. A guy was dared to ask me out. When he did I froze and then he dumped his soda all over me. This was a guy I had a crush on for a long while and thought we were friends. Who was behind tha daring, the Girl whom tried to beat me up. yup that mean spirited person.
Later that night I reached my breaking point. I was living with my aunt and she had left for the night so I was home alone. I cried and screamed like no ones business and decided to end my life. I tied a nuce out of some para cord and hung it in the closet. I was still crying hysterically. I was in the middle of writing my goodbye note and I passed out from hyperventilation. I woke the next morning with the pen still in my had with the words writen "Why me?" written on the paper infront of me/ Shaking and not sure what to do next I went to school and tried to pretend like nothing had happened. As fate had it my 4th period was health class. That days subject, Teen Suicide. I tried to get through the class but I had begun to fidget and get uncomfortable. The teacher took notice and pulled me outside. (He was a sweet man and will alwase remeber his kindness.) He asked if there was something wrong, and I just cried. I then told him I tried to end my life the night before and I didn't know what to do and that I just didn't want to be alive. He stopped the class and led me to the office where I met Dr. Eric Beam the school psychologist. From that point on I began a long and hard healing proses. It was so dificult that I started cutting to relieve the pain, I took psyc meds, I tried starving myself (to the point of passing out in front of my mom). Nothing helped.
I passed on collage scholarships because I didn't think I was good enough. Passed up on joining teams because I thought I didn't belong. Passed up friendships because I didn't think they would last. I passed up a little bit of my life from being afraid to love myself.
It wasn't till I was an adult and Happy with my life that I began to completely heal. It wasn't till after I met Mike that I began to see myself as me, not some hideous fat, ugly, nobody. I began to love and be loved back. Then I had Kai and my love got taken to another level. I felt more love than ever. I still had and have my ups and downs as is life but I now respect myself, I love myself , And I don't want to die. I do have my days where I just need a hug, But hey i guess thats part of being a woman.
As for yesterday,(Wednesday) I was at the park watching Kai play when out of the corner of my eye I see a little boy being a bully to another boy who was trying to play along. But the moment the bully tried to push the boy off the slide I saw the sheer terror in that other boys eyes and spoke up. "Boys" I yelled from the bench.. "you need to stop! You do not push others off the slide or any where else! You need to controll yourself and play nice or go sit with your parents!" Terrified of the mother or father coming up and tackling me for something I said, I was short of breath. I found myself in a fear moment. Why did I just do that? Seconds later another mom looked at me and said "good for you," I about cried then started a delightful conversation with her while watching Kai and her son play. The scared boy was not her son, but she had told me that if it was she would want someone doing what I had done. It was in that moment I realized I didn't do anything bad, I prevented something bad. Weather that child bullies again I will not know, But I personally know how comforting and good it feels when others rescue you. And the look in the boys face when he wasn't being bullied anymore said allot.
I thought about this and though of all the times I did this not knowing what I was doing. I would stand up for other kids who were bullied as a kid, as a teen and as an adult. My friends in my early adult years called me the pit bull, because I would stand up for them... I just couldn't do it for me. Now I can. Now I can be the better person and tell them they are wrong. I can look at myself and know they were wrong and it wasnt my fault.
So why did I write all this? Because I want all who read this to help those who are crying so loud that no one can hear them. It is Us that can help. Especially if you have children, educate them on what bulling is and help those who bully because somewhere deep in there there is something wrong inside that person to make them want to bully. Maby together through word of mouth we can save a few lives, help a few people, or just let others know there is help out there. Millions are on facebook every day posting their bra colors or " where they like it" maby we can chain through there that there is help. Who knows, I could be writing this for nothing, Or I could be touching one individual.. Only you who are reading will know.
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